India Travel Tip #1: Don’t Go.

India: The motherland. The largest democracy in the world. One of the richest, most diverse cultures on the planet. The fastest growing knowledge-based economy in the earth. And, statistically, home of the highest concentration of B.O. in the universe.

Although I haven’t been to India since I was 10 years old, soon I must make a decision and tell my parents if I will accompany them on a three week “vacation” to the motherland this summer. So should I stay or should I go? Let’s explore the lingering memories of my 1989 India trip:

• Uncontrollable diarrhea every few days coupled with having to use a bathroom with nothing but a mere porcelain hole in the ground where a toilet should reside. I was a fat little kid so the idea of squatting to poop took time getting used to. The mystical idea of toilet paper was still obviously too far fetched to come to fruition.
• Rampant poverty that made me feel horrible about the fact that I was born into a family that just happened to not live on the side of a dirt road. Consequentially, I now detest the homeless for giving me that icky feeling.
• Shopping with my mom and my sister and spending an unreasonable amount of money on Saris (cause fuck you poor people! take you and your starving, mood-downing children elsewhere!) You would be surprised as to how much fun it is spending a small fortune on shit that will be on your closet for decades.
• No hamburgers or steak (why couldn’t turtles or cats be sacred instead of delicious, mouth-watering cow?)
• Everyday running around town in 119 degree heat to visit 6 to 8 different houses of long lost friends and family. While the experience was great for my parents who seem to enjoy repeating the same conversation over and over, I recall sitting in the corner like the retarded cousin with an awkward smile hoping to mentally ward off another violent diarrheic episode.
• My entire family passing time by not talking to each other for days because of classic arguments such as: “Why your side of the family sucks more than my side”, “Why should I pay for the fact that your brother’s a lazy shithead and can’t support his own family?” or, my personal favorite, “Your greedy ass dead grandfather still owes me for the 34 rupees I let him borrow in 1973.”
  

I think it is safe to say that not much from the preceding list would change this time around. However, added to the list would probably be having mind-numbing conversations with old Indian aunties and uncles about getting married soon and how they know a Civil Engineering girl from a good family that would be perfect for me*. To be honest with you, I would rather dry-hump a bearded woman than to willfully subject myself to that torture.

Much to my surprise, most all my friends that have recently visited India all seem to have the same consensus: “India is so fun, I had such a blast there and I can’t wait to go back.” When asked their reasoning, they responded with comments ranging from “Dude, I got so drunk with my cousins!” to “It was awesome, we ate at the new McDonalds and Burger King they just opened up!” Which begs the question: Is it worth traveling for 20 hours in coach to get hammered with FOBs and eat mediocre American fast food? I’m guessing no? If my friends came back and told me that India had something that America didn’t offer** then perhaps I would be intrigued enough to go.

So at the end of the day, my decision essentially comes down to where India falls in the priority list in my life. The following is the abridged version:

1) Figuring out my purpose in this world
2) Enjoying life with friends and family
3) Womanizing (e.g. practicing techniques for the long-term benefit of my future wife)
4) Maintaining my masculine physique
6) Television
....

....
234) Chunky peanut butter
235) Push-up bras
236) Canadian Flag Football
237) Vulcanization of rubber
238) Female menstrual cycle
239) India
240) Beastiality
241) The Bible

See? Now if my parents gave me the option between reading the Proverbs 31:6 excerpt from the bible OR watching a man make sweet love to Bambi OR take a voyage to India, my decision would be quick and simple. But life doesn’t always work out like that, does it?

Needless to say, with the comprehensive evaluation just given, my decision is a resounding no. Sure my parents will be upset ***, but, after I show them my priority list, I’m sure they’ll understand that my time is better spent exploring the vast intricacies of the female menstrual cycle.


* The thought of even talking to a girl who chose to be a Civil Engineer makes me want to be abstinent for the rest of my life and never look back.
** The only thing I could think of that would make me book a ticket to India tonight would be: No holds bar, unregulated midget named Neal street fights.
*** Mainly because there will be no one to carry around the 600 lbs of luggage.