Reincarnation: Why I will become what I hate...
Have you ever pondered the question “What is the meaning of life?” while gazing upon the stars, laying on the beach, or making passionate love to a dead hooker? I have*. That question inevitably leads to “What happens when you die?” Personally, I believe when your physical body expires you are immediately reborn into whatever you mentally belittle the most at the time of death. Thus I will probably return into a smelly Guajarati family and live out my next life as a midget named Neal with uncontrollable body hair/acne. God damn it.
It turns out my karma-based theory is not too far off from what billions of Hindus, Buddhists, and pothead hippies across the world believe: Reincarnation. With the literal meaning of “to be made flesh again”, the theory of reincarnation serves as the fundamental tenant of most eastern religions. It is the never ending struggle to attain god-like perfection. It works like this: if you led a good life, full of helping stray puppies, honoring thy neighbor, and offering sexual favors to the homeless for free, then you will be reborn in a better and presumably happier life. Conversely, if you led a bad life, full of torturing stray puppies, killing thy neighbor, and charging the homeless for sexual favors, then you will be reborn into a worse and presumably less happy life.
Thus it can be presumed that there is a particular hierarchy of potential lives one can lead. But who is responsible for this eternal systematic judgment of all man kind? That would be good ‘ol God of course! I happened to meet God at a bar in Midtown Manhattan a few weeks ago and kept in touch with Him**. I emailed Him to inquire about the hierarchy question and the following was our correspondence:
From: “God”
To: “Tushar Singh”
Subject: Re: Reincarnation Question
Date: Sun, 04 Jun 2006 19:34:35 -0400
Hey Tushar!
How the hell are you? I have been reading the blog, great work man! Been up to my ass in work. It seems like anything goes wrong in the world I’m the first one people blame. Aside from the normal poverty, disease, hunger, blah blah blah, I have to deal with bullshit like the whole tsunami “disaster”, then Katrina didn’t help and then war in Iraq is still a thorn in my sac. People are still pissed about Brad and Jen breaking up and that retarded gray-haired redneck who won American Idol. It never fucking ends. Why can’t people focus on all the good things I’ve done? Like TiVo and the Paris Hilton video? Ungrateful bastards…
Anyways, to answer your question, reincarnation does exist. The hierarchy is the following nine groups. I like to call it my “New Aged Caste System”:
1. Rich white people who never had to do real work a single day in their life (i.e. Prince William, George Bush, Paris Hilton…etc.)
2. Rich white people who had to earn it (i.e. Bill Gates, Anderson Cooper, Dixie Chicks… etc.)
3. Rich black people (i.e. Oprah, Will Smith, Puffy, the NFL, the NBA, and eventually all organized professional sports…)
4. All other rich/middle class people (i.e. Asians outside Asia)
5. Celebrity Animals (i.e. Lassie, Mr. Ed, Rin Tin Tin, that dog from Full house… etc.)
6. Poor white trash (i.e. Mississippi, Alabama… etc.)
7. Poor/desolate people (i.e. Most of Africa/India - approximately 2/3rds of the earth’s population)
8. Regular Plants/Animals
9. Midgets named Neal (i.e. Neal Patel, Neal Shah, Neal Sheth…etc.)
Just between me and you, I usually just get stoned and pick people’s next lives at random. Cause who the hell will ever know? My all-time favorite was when I made Mother Teresa come back as Paris Hilton’s dog (haha! try saving the indigent now lady!)
Alright man, I gotta get going and figure out this Sudoku.
Take it easy,
God
---Original Message---
From: “Tushar Singh”
To: “God”
Subject: Reincarnation Question
Date: Thursday, 01 Jun 2006 9:55:56 -0200
Hey God,
How the hell you doing? Everything’s alright on my end. I know you’re busy but
I’m writing my next blog entry and I have a quick question for you. If reincarnation exists, what is the hierarchy of people’s lives when they are reborn?
Give me a ring and we’ll party together soon. I have this girl who would be perfect for you. She doesn’t really drink but that shouldn’t be a problem for you huh? (Wink Wink…haha)
Tushar
Unfortunately several inherent questions still remain unanswered. Like what exactly is “good” behavior? Is it alright to make fun of girls who are humorously hairy? Are you allowed to snicker at the mildly retarded or awkwardly obese? What happens if you literally steal candy from a baby? Can you have a 3rd trimester abortion with your lesbian lover simply because you like the overnight stay in hospitals? Nobody does or ever will know the answer to these questions. Just enjoy life, do what makes you truly happy, and hope to god you are reborn into British royalty.
* I can’t remember which ones…
** Super nice guy, really down to earth. His email is imtotallygod@gmail.com (trust me, He’ll write back eventually). And if you were wondering how God actually is in real life… boy does that guy get some tail! Although technically it’s unfair because he gets girls by turning the water that they were drinking into wine AFTER they already drank it. A biblical ruffee, if you will. I suppose thy shalt not judge?
posted by Tushar Singh @ 12:35 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
Dude, What the hell you are writing. Shut the Hell up! First thing when God created man he told them that go and fulfil. But due to Man's Disobedience before God Human Kind turned their way from life to Death.
One reason Christians don't believe in reincarnation—the belief that we come back to life over and over again—is because they believe in heaven.
After all, if heaven is real (as Christians believe), then there isn't any need for an endless cycle of dying and coming back to Earth. In fact, why would we want to return time and time again to the pain and insecurities of this life? Ahead of us is the glory of heaven! As the Bible says, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18).
There is, however, another reason why Christians reject the idea of reincarnation. It is this: No matter how long we lived—or how many lives we had—we could never erase the stain of sin that keeps us from God. In other words, we could never reach perfection. But God loves us and has provided the way for all our sins to be forgiven. That way is Jesus Christ, who died as the one final sacrifice for our sins.
Don't be misled by false hopes or deceptive dreams that will only take you down the wrong path. Instead, face your own need of God and by faith commit yourself to Jesus Christ. In Him we have hope—hope for this life and hope for life with Him in heaven forever.
I don't think so that you ever read Bible just try to read once. Man born in this earth only once after that there is Judgement not reincarnation.
Joshua
Joshua,
I have never experienced someone actually trying to convert me on my own blog, so thank you! I must tell you, I thought I would get upset and annoyed at something like that, but it actually brought a smile to my face imagining you standing there yelling incoherent gibberish while waving the Good Book and giving that signature crazy-man look. That is comedy gold my friend…
I also must add an apology for not being Christian. Sorry that my family was part of the inopportune few who didn’t get converted by Europeans into believing your whimsical fairy tale/superstitions. Now unfortunately I’m stuck being this free thinking, open minded liberal… worst luck ever
Oh and how is the Bible anyways? I’ve heard nothing but good things…
See you in heaven (if there is one, of course),
Tushar
Well Joshua, you know I don't agree with your your views on reincarnation- but you are the MAN when it comes to Christianity (a middle eastern religion BTW).
And Tushar, study deep your Hindu Holy Books for within you will also find the Christian Mysteries.
Best Wishes,
Bruce
A few points. First off, the reason that most christians don't believe in reincarnation is that most of the references to reincarnation were deleted in the 4th century by Constantine. Modern Christianity doesn't accept reincarnation but there were numerous early christian texts and groups that believe in reincarnation. For reference, Origen a early christian theologian accepted reincarnation as did many early christian philosophers who were trained in Greek philosophy. The Gnostics Gospels are full of these beliefs.
The notion of heaven has nothing to with why there is no reincarnation. Hindus and Buddhists both believe in heaven and hell but they are temporary and transitory.
Original sin is another huge reason. Although Original Sin presents many problems from a strictly logical point of view, i.e. how can a Just God allow individual beings to pay for the sin of Adam and Eve.
As for Reincarnation in the Hindu context, it is simple. There is no good behavior or bad behavior, Karma is karma. It is only the frutis of the action which can be considered good or bad. Whether one is a vegetarian or carnivore, we still reap the fruits of our actions. Killing a plant and killing an animal are both seen as producing paapam ("sin") but since their levels of consciousness are different so are the levels of paapam.
The more just and compassionate our actions are the more "good" we reap. The more selfish and insensitive our actions are, the more bad we reap. In otherwords, as long as we continue to live in the world and perform actions while attached to the fruit, we will continue to be reincarnated.
The key to breaking the cycle is knowledge, here unlike Christianity, knowledge means understanding the unity of all things and that all existence is based on illusory relationships. Attachment is the key to our bondage and non-attachment is the freedom. anyways, just my two cents. I blog about this stuff quite often so if you are interested check it out at www.mukundar.blogspot.com . Late
- Mukunda
ha...way to take a nice post on a funny and light topic and turn it into something dull and ordinary like a debate on religion...
these comments are too serious for life!
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