Homeless-Induced Guilt and You!

As the gap between the rich and poor widens, homeless-induced guilt is also reaching new levels. Regular showers, full working fridges, unlimited daytime minutes, Starbucks coffee runs, internet porn – all the indulgences that we in mass society partake in is endlessly delightful. It seems like whenever we get lost in our self-important world, sooner or later something turns up and smacks us back down into place. And what ruins this blissful ignorance? Reality. Now there are several forms of reality, ranging from a broken nail to all the way to death. But the awkward cousin of death is poverty – rearing its ugly head on the sidewalks and frequently peeing on public transportation.

“No, but I bet I can hit you with this brick!”

Seeing a homeless person is much like noticing a pimple on your lover’s face: you feel bad for a moment, avoid touching it, and hope it will go away soon. Unfortunately the homeless problem can’t be prevented with application of exfoliating Apricot scrub and medicated topical cream. When most people see a residence-deprived individual living in the cracks of society, they momentarily acknowledge how lucky they are and perhaps feel helpless. Sometimes that sentiment snowballs into pure guilt, completely ruining the next 3 to 4 minutes of your day.

The next time you are confronted with the homeless and anticipate that your guilt might spiral out of control, try one of the following (for the purposes of this exercise, let’s name our fictional homeless person “It”):

• Give It a dollar
  The easy way out. Giving It a dollar automatically tells the world that you did your part. You gave 100 pennies, which means you can go back to your heated apartment, watch Seinfeld reruns, and order DVD’s off the internet 100% GUILT FREE! Everybody wins*!!



• Do nothing
  Tell yourself that you were hallucinating and It was simply a fire hydrant that you mistook as a person**.



• Date It
  This tactic is a big extreme, but it works on the same principle of “if you have a black friend it is okay to casually use the N word.” If you date It, then you will never feel guilty again because you slept with one of their kind – which by rule automatically exempts you from all self-judgment.



• Stay positive
  Apply the old proverb “it could be worse.” Sure, there aren’t too many things worse than being homeless, but what if you were homeless with a terminal disease or diarrhea? Or what about a terminal disease that slowly kills you via diarrhea? OR what about a terminal disease that turns you into a midget named Neal with uncontrollable, violent diarrhea? Game. Set. Match.



• “It’s the economy stupid!”
  Use this phase coined by James Carvel for the then 1992 Presidential hopeful Bill Clinton to justify the situation. In any capitalist society there inherently will be different levels of economic status – the Paris Hiltons of the world shopping for $5,000 wallets will be stepping over homeless people on the way. So the next time you see It on the street begging for spare change, just tell yourself it is all part of inescapable macro-economic forces.



• Let Jesus take care of It
  The bible says that the rich are no better than the poor in the eyes of God. As long as you repent your sins and devote yourself to the Lord Jesus Christ, everything will be fine in the afterlife. So the next time you see a homeless man cringing in the bitter cold of the night, just presume he is praying to Jesus and on the brink of death. Hooray!



• Be jealous of It
  Do you know who doesn’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations? It. Do you know who doesn’t have to deal with making sure enough money is in the checking account for the rent check? It. Do you know who doesn’t have to work in a shitty corporate job in order to live in an expensive city where the shitty corporate job is located? It. There is something truly liberating at the thought of being It. It has no worries other than his/her ass falling asleep (literally) while people just walk by and give money. God damn It.



• Call the cops on It
  Make up a charge that would ensure at least a few months of jail time. Call the cops and report the fabricated crime – ensuring that It will be in the safe confines of prison. With one swift move you gave It shelter, food, and, regardless of his sexual orientation, jail-house man-love. Rest easy, your job here is done.

* Unless it’s raining outside
** It helps actually being on a hallucinogenic drug.